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A tribe of cats called the Jellicles must decide yearly which one will ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back to a new Jellicle life.
Classification: U
You have never seen anything like this before in your entire life.
Whatever bush-league acid trips you had in college, those pitiful moments where you "tripped balls" and saw the walls move are meaningless. The peyote you ingested in the desert that had you thinking you finally understood your place in the universe are falsehoods. No spiked ecstasy, horse tranquiliser or brain haemorrhage could dare craft this unimaginable horror of the beyond. Whatever feeble torment your small mind conjured for you in your most vulnerable moments is nothing, nothing compared to this, a creation of indescribable imagery and sound that defies cinema, logic and God. Director Tom Hooper has cast aside the very notions of morality and sanity used to tether humanity to reality and has done so completely unintentionally, as his attempt to adapt the Andrew Lloyd Webber famous musical transcends into a plane of existence we were never meant to see, at least not in this lifetime. Hooper, like so many blind prideful fools who can't see the dangers before him, has torn the lid off the ark of covenant without a second thought, and in doing so has unleashed a Lovecraftian nightmare that will melt your face. You can't look away as your soul stares into the ineffable void, setting your mind ablaze with fear and hysteria. Pandora's box has been opened and Schrödinger's Cat is neither alive nor dead but a creature that can never be defined, lost to the madness of the Jellicle way and leaves everything in its path destroyed by the very knowledge of existence.
It is not a film, it can't be. It is everything Cinema fears yet wishes it could be, an undefinable abomination that mocks and ridicules artistry and rationale. Truly nothing has been produced like this before, not even the industry's most seasoned auteurs could craft such macabre brilliance. Lynch, Cronenberg, Von Trier are merely consumed by this vacuum of gaudy, vulgar, hair-raising lunacy. Men didn't make this, it defies everything we know about ourselves, true proof there is life beyond our own as whatever this is had to be crafted by aliens in the bowels of another dimension. It is everything and nothing all at once, horrifying, terrifying, simultaneously beautiful and awe-inspiring, everything you thought you knew fades away as reality itself cracks like an egg before you, the incongruous yolk of this terrifying new world enveloping you, like a tar pit dragging a mighty mammoth to its slow death. It never stops, you can't escape as the moment the jagged synth score of the overture strikes across the image of a feline shaped cloud within the moonlit sky, you're strapped in as the Clockwork Orange of it all leaves you laughing like a madman. Chills take over your body as you see the frenzied movements of these creatures, neither man or beast but the depraved hybrid scurry across the screen and begin an unstoppable smorgasbord of musical extravaganza the likes you have never seen before. Sexually charged, gluttonous, teeming with heartache, avarice and regret, every character's story is brought to life in the most bewildering, unforgettable way. One after the other, no chance to breathe, to take stock or make sense of what is before you, these lost souls demand your undying attention and they shall have it, resistance is futile. You'll be humming along with demented glee as Mr. Mistoffelees conducts his magic show in the third act along with the rest of the Jellicle performances.
Even if you've seen the stage show, you are not ready for the fervent fever dream that is this. The editing feels like the very embodiment of Nicolas Cage in Mandy, screaming, feral, chugging vodka, sobbing as grief and horror seize him, breaking him in half; a shell of a man that must be reforged in the fires of his own fury. You sit wide-eyed, shaking with manic laughter as the delirious, frenetic choreography and dance takes over the screen. Witnessing this blissfully terrifying communion to the Jellicle culture eclipses your soul and you submit willingly to this existential carnage. It is a true non-stop performance of the obscene and the insane as these furry beings pour forth their whole heart and spirit before their peers and almighty, they are to be judged and the only law to this deranged world is the music they can create. Everything is beautiful, these creatures and this world are an unholy yet enchanting collage of neon and cobblestone, the craftsmanship of the sets and camera work allowing for an effervescent dreamlike state. The scale between location and character is all over the place but to seek logic in this hellscape is a fool's errand especially to those who still believe that mathematics or truth could still matter when this is all over. We are told this place is London, a gift or tribute from whatever made this to make us feel more familiar, at home, but instead, it instils more dread, to know these crooning, cavorting monsters know where we live. It goes beyond the Looking Glass and you will never forget the fear of watching this. If you thought the insanity of that infamous trailer couldn't be sustained for a full-length feature, you are wrong as said before even your most intimate nightmares couldn't live up to the experience of surviving Rum Tug Tugger, Skimbleshanks, or Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.
Faces you recognise are placed upon unrecognisable forms, Thespians and entertainers of high renown are mutated into these unsettling beasts through the untempered power of digital technology. A monkey paw of black magic which sees fur mixing with flesh, human anatomy distorted as twisted dreams and dark desires are given life, a truly unique visual experience. Seeing Judi Dench worshipped as the feline lord Old Deuteronomy, these devout admirers at her feet breaking your brain, this uncanny horror never fails to make your skin shiver, you try and will yourself to go into a safe space but nothing can stop this. Everything that was once so recognisable is now so alien and disturbing, it almost feels as if these aren't the actors but clones, pod people or shapeshifting extraterrestrials. Idris Elba bursting into clouds of dust complete with musical stingers as his villainous Macavity, James Cordon feasting on garbage, Jason Derulo screaming for milk, Taylor Swift descending from the heavens showering the crowds with catnip, all in unifying service of creating pure mania as the showstopping annihilation knows no tangible bounds or barriers. When Jennifer Hudson finally belts out Memories, you are left so raw and numb to everything yet there is still more magnetising terror to come even though you have already seen children's faces superimposed on mice, cockroaches as Rockette dancers and the disturbing erotic energy coursing through every ballet dance number. You hear a dog bark at one point and you recoil in fear at wondering what monstrosity will be revealed, it is the one moment you are spared from this eldritch knowledge but the fact you know dogs exist here just leaves you heartbroken. The experience only loses its edge when conventional filmmaking rears its head mostly through Rebel Wilson's appearance as Jennyanydots delivering piss poor comedic one-liners. Also when exposition is attempted to be delivered through dialogue rather than insane song and dance, these moments are few and far between so the crescendo of feline absurdity always keeps you in its clutches.
I loved it. I hated it. I exist in a perpetual state of horror and awe as it is both a masterpiece and a disaster. I am not the same man I once was, I have seen the world burn and no crucible of endurance or skill could ever amount to the adventure of witnessing this creation. I stared into the abyss and it stared right back at me, gyrating and meowing without any regard for anything that may have mattered before. Time will pass, empires will fall, and when humanity has finally forsaken its existence and returns to the dirt, it will not matter. The seal has been broken, the universe knows what has been done, Whatever deity you pray to can't save you now, this can't be defined, examined or reasoned with, it has been unleashed and now we must all suffer the consequences.
There was before and now there is after, and no matter what you tell yourself at the dead of night as you see the Jellicle moon shine, there is no escape.
There is only Cats.
Director: #TomHooper
Cast: #JamesCorden, #JudiDench, #JasonDerulo, #IdrisElba, #JenniferHudson, #IanMcKellen, #TaylorSwift, #RebelWilson, #FrancescaHayward, #RayWinstone, #LaurieDavidson, #StevenMcRae, #RobbieFairchild
Release Date: December 20th 2019
Trailer:
Written review copyright ©CoreyBullochReviews
Images and Synopsis from the Internet Movie Database
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